Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Freak out... growth sucks and this post is WAY TOO LONG.

I suppose I've finally arrived at a place where it's simply impossible to withhold my stress from the bloggersphere any longer. Prepare for massive word vomit induced by exhaustion, nuttiness and fear (mostly nuttiness). People, I've been totally freaking out. Between the health issues and financial concerns and the rental house... Ugh. Remember that economy of ours and how its been tanking and people are losing their jobs and losing their clients and losing their homes and trying to keep their heads above water when health insurance is up-the-butt expensive yet somehow that investment ceases to count for much of anything when you really actually need it?!? (...breath...) REMEMBER THAT? Don't get me wrong, I am so bloody thankful for my job and to have a place to live and food on the table etc. There are SO many blessings right before my eyes not just in the way of basic needs being met, but above and beyond that. I am thankful, so very thankful. Many others are hurting in ways I can't imagine and this is nothing I feel entitled to at all. I think though... I need to focus on that thankfulness MORE. It's when I take my eyes off of that greater good that I begin to worry, to fear.

Well, of course I know it doesn't do any good to panic. I haven't been panicking, have you??? Don't look at me like that... I'm sharing. And for the record, the number of chocolates or items containing chocolate that I've consumed in the last three days is not to be judged, you hear? Those items were necessary. Required comforts which fit into the suffocatingly tight budget I have inflicted on us to "prepare for the worst." That's not the same as panicking, is it?

Listen, I was doing really
well with the whole staying calm thing and remembering that we can only take it one day at a time and that ultimately we're going to get through this, but then... then my worst fear. The rental house... the one we couldn't sell when we were trying to buy this one? The lease with our tenant is up in two months which means it will be time to renew a contract and move forward for another year. Unfortunately she's just informed us that her job situation is uncertain and because her employment contract is due to end at the same time as the lease, she's not wanting to renew until a month or so later. Totally understandable, but also not a good situation for us should she decide to walk and we haven't advertised/lined up a new renter etc. To add insult to injury, there are a "few things malfunctioning with the house" which we have to pay to fix (not really an issue in the grand scheme of things), but that's exactly the kind of thing that lead me to NOT want to hold onto this house in the first place. We're just not in a place in our lives to be throwing money at rental properties. Period. Anyway, she's unsure, I'm unsure, she's asking us to hold out, I'm putting up For Sale signs ON EVERYTHING WE OWN. And my husband... oh my poor husband, he's getting the brunt of my chaos. A shout out to my coworkers too though, they have to put up with a fair bit as well. Those gals do know how to present a cupcake at just the right moment though (you know, to continue the chocolate "therapy"). Go team!

If you're still reading, I can't believe it. You really must get a life!
And by that I mean, BLESS YOU!

The first six hours of processing just consumed me and I ended up with a terrific knot in my neck and left shoulder thinking about how we NEEDED MORE MONEY. It wasn't one of my finest moment especially if you count the part where I got in the car and drove back to work after lunch still wearing my slippers. Oops. I was so distracted, I forgot to put my heals back on and since I was meeting with a client RIGHT AFTER LUNCH I had to get back in the car and return to the house for my appropriate shoes. Yes, I had made it all the way back to the office, not just up the road a bit, but all. the. way. there. Honestly, after I got over the fact that we just only have so much money in the bank and dammit if it doesn't look like enough to make things work should our house be vacant for any period of time I moved onto the need for prayer. As I wrestled with exactly how I should pray I spiralled down a bit further because I believe that prayer is something we're given to participate in what God is doing, not to actually affect any change on the circumstances or fate of the situation. It's more often a change that occurs in us on account of the letting go or giving up as it were and when you believe this, you know that there are many things that people pray that absolutely make no sense. I really truly ran the most fucked up circles in my head about this prayer thing though, I was so concerned with "doing it correctly" all of the sudden (something I DON'T believe matters) that I never really got to praying at all.

So, I worry, I fret, I try to multiply cash flow in my head, I try to imagine how quickly my car would sell and whether or not I could donate any body parts since I haven't actually been diagnosed with Behcet's yet and then I fail at praying all together. If there was any praying at all it was in the acknowledgement that no matter what I do, God will get to me. He will find a way to refine me no matter what it takes- even if that means I end up in the poor house which is why I just stopped trying.

This chaos and more I dump on my husband when he arrives home last night and he's calling a cease fire as I'm just finishing my explanation of how I really think I could actually work nights at the gas station and asking "should I apply?" He says, "everything will be just fine." Nice. Quickly I blow him off a bit and tell him how great it must be for him to feel so relaxed about this. He wasn't actually all that relaxed, but in his vast wisdom he says to me, "maybe that's why I'm here!" He implies the ability to comfort me and alleviate some of the stress, to know the facts and be resolute about our solutions. Apparently he doesn't have the same WILD imagination that I do... Maybe he's right! In fact, twenty-four hours later I know for a fact that's why he's here. How can one damn sentence, not even a big one, make me feel so much better already? The other thing that puny little sentence did? It clarified the whole prayer thing. I know how to pray now, I pray for my husband. Suddenly it's so simple and clear that energy will be better applied in supporting him and allowing him to take care of me. I've NEVER really let him do that. I'm one of them independent sorta women... we take matters into our own hands because we think nobody can do it better. We think we HAVE TO or ELSE. (Or else CAPITALS AND EXCLAMATIONS will rain down on us!!!!) Well, I think Miss Independent has been missing out on sharing the load and frankly rather selfish for not allowing my husband the satisfaction and pride of looking out for me in a really big way.

All of this seems so rudimentary, but the truth is I needed to FEEL it in a very real way which seems to have been manipulated by an email scare and a red head I adore. No matter what happens with the jobs or houses or anything, that refinement I mentioned earlier is already happening and strengthening my bond with the most important person in my life. Growth kinda sucks sometimes because I almost always look like a fool for awhile in the process. Pardon the mess... we're "under construction!"


Raven said...

You are not alone!


lorieloo said...

oh dear cam. seriously. i think we're suppose to be friends. cause everything you wrote, is ME. and wow, yes, i read it all=) maybe i should get a life heh?

but yes, refinement sucks. but the end result, the learning to rely on others, and most importantly, surrendering control to God, is SO amazing. and btw, when you figure out how to submit control to God, like you know, REALLY submit, let me know k? cause i think it's one of those lifetime lessons. and i'm not good with patience. like, AT ALL.

but isn't it awesome how the husband he gave so perfectly compliments you and your neurosis? sometimes i can't figure out how/why i married mine, and then i realize cause he was EXACTLY what i need. and that makes me love and appreciate him all that much more.

sorry. long blog warrants long comment.

hang in there. you're not the only one that wants to get a night job, however crazy is might seem.=)

sufferingsummer said...

Lorie's a smart girl. I agree with you both...can't wait to see you tomorrow and give you a big (((hug))):)

Ashley said...

really, like raven said, you are not alone!

I really love the way you talked about the hubs in the last part. chris is the same way, and i'm little miss stress/freak out... anyway, that last part really reminded how much i need and love him.

it will be ok

thinking of you!

Marianne Elixir said...

Lovely post. Yeah for trusting God and your husband.

And if things really get bad, perhaps we can all move under the same bridge or something? Start a little commune....