Sunday, February 10, 2008

Pass the "Pimp" Cup

Allow me to take a moment to remind you where you came from. Yes, the same place I came from. That place is a cabinet, a drawer, a pantry or a box in the garage that ALWAYS had Ramen in it. To this day, despite my better judgment, I'm still dipping into that reliable food reserve whenever my energy meter is reading negative or my hormones are whack or just because it sounds good. Ramen calls to you like a double cheese burger from Mc-y D's and even though you know you're going to regret it later when your guts are turning inside out and threatening to exit through your belly button, you dive in anyway to satiate your middle school craving. I/we need to stop doing that.

Tonight, as this bowl of "poisoned sodium broth over a bed of fatty thigh noodles" was coming to fruition in my husband's capable hands, we were reminded of the ways in which you can customize this simple meal (and by meal I mean it meets at least half the criteria for being a household cleaning product). Sure you can just have yourself a bag of pork flavored Ramen alone in front of the TV, but what if you're not alone and you want to share? If you're lazy enough to reach for Ramen in the first place then chances are you're not intending to cook his and hers batches of "asian delight." There have to be at least two dozen flavors of this stuff, everything from creamy chicken to pork or beef as well as shrimp or teriyaki, but the best flavors are the ones you can't buy off the shelf. These are the flavors that really make it clear how bad Ramen is because no matter how you mix them, the soup still tastes the same. Like a hot steaming bowl of MSG. These are the flavors that are born out of the aforementioned laziness and for your enjoyment we've decided to share a few of our favorite Revolutions (Ramen + Evolutions).

Creamy Chicken + Beef = Cream of Chief Ramen (The leader of a)
Pork + Teriyaki = Pokaki Ramen (Very poor and cocky bastard.)
Chicken + Shrimp = Chimp Ramen (So easy a Chimp can do it.)
Mushroom + Beef = Shreef Ramen (Boxers, Briefs or Shreefs?)
Pork + Shrimp = Pimp Ramen (My new personal favorite. Perfect for a date night at home.)

I could go on, but I won't embarrass myself any longer with this rant on Carcinogen Soup. Just remember, no matter how good Ramen was then, it's not good now. It's dangerous and causes small amphibians to mutate when you poor the excess down your sink drain. Your guts as I mentioned will turn to sludge and cause such gastric distresses only a pregnant woman should know. It's not worth it and it won't save you any money in the long run because the doctor visits will far exceed any savings on your grocery bill when they're stitching you back up from a stomachectomy. Trust me, I had Pimp Ramen for dinner and I do not feel sexy... I feel like I'm going to explode!

1 comment:

NPH said...

you have GOT to stop mixing that crap! do it. walk away slowly...don't go cold turkey.
PUT THE RAMEN DOWN!!!!!!