Thursday, February 28, 2008

Today I feel such a strange combination of glamor and gutter. I had a hair style that was sassy and working for me and my outfit was good, I zoomed around in my little Mini of course and had a pretty successful feeling after my long day at work training a new employee for the other office.

Now that I'm sitting still at 9pm I'm feeling the calluses on my hands and the sandpaper that is my feet from walking twice a day and mopping four times a week. In addition to the aforementioned activities I've also managed to do dishes, clean the bathroom, vacuum the whole house and do a couple of loads of laundry today. In our house there is always someone hacking up something, peeing somewhere or accidentally stepping in poo... today it has been all three in the same day.

I'm tired, but I feel satisfied with my hard work. I'm overdoing it, but I'm struggling with what I can cut out. My job is calling to me today, yesterday it was philanthropy knocking at my door. Is this what it means to experience maturity? Is this how you go from one less mature point to another? I feel like the having to choose is a part of that process, but then again, I'm still wondering why I can't have it all. I know I can't, but why again? Why won't my body work through the exhaustion and push past the pain? Why must I hit a wall and feel so damaged when what I'm trying to do is for good? What would happen to my spirit if I kept this up though, what would happen if I didn't? It's a time for reflection and I'm not sure what the outcome will be. I assume I'll receive some sort of sign eventually. Perhaps it will say:

Hey you, IDIOT! You're stupid to keep going on like that and you need to stop! You can't save them all and you have to spend more time with your husband anyway! If you just simplified things a bit you would have more time to play!



Last night I had a dream that Hans and I had taken Rocko on a weekend "getaway" to somewhere like a camp ground, not important where. We were taking only Rocko because it was our intention to put him to sleep when we returned home and this time away was meant to be our opportunity to say "goodbye." I remember the end of the dream the most, standing in a parking lot saying farewell to our human traveling companions and looking down at Rocko thinking... WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? He's perfectly fine! Such heartache and then I woke in a panic. I realized that "Rocko" in the dream, was actually Jack.

(Or maybe it really was Rocko because before we went to bed he did this to our lamp by bouncing one of his bounciest toys across the side table. Something he does rather frequently.)

Don't worry Rocko, you're safe!

I still don't know exactly where we're going with Jack though. I've been in discussions with several rescue people about what to do and it seems that everyone thinks he should go back to the shelter because he's just too difficult a placement, but the one person I haven't heard back from is the shelter rep. Jack loves Lucca, but he wants to rip Miles to shreds and he has some very aggravating behaviors that I just don't have the ability to keep up with given my schedule and physical health. I feel like I was supposed to give him a chance and we've been doing everything we can to make the best of it, but I don't have a single soul lined up to take him and he just can't stay here forever being as disruptive to my boys as he is. I'm disappointed in certain people who claim to want to rescue and yet are so picky about the age or gender of the dog they are willing to take in, if you want to rescue a dog, take a dog that needs rescuing! Ugh. It's hard not to feel like a failure in this type of situation, but I have to remind myself again and again that you can't save them all. Just like the "sign" said.

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