Thursday, April 17, 2008

A confession to make... and then we're done.

So, I have a little something to publicly declare and that is... I'm an ass. Not always, but certainly recently.

Before I can move forward with the "fun" stuff I have to share a truth about the last couple of days. I totally faced the burden of my utterly flawed nature yesterday, squarely in the face and with only cement to catch my fall, (off of my apparently HIGH FUCKING HORSE). I felt horrible last night after I was made aware earlier that day of how much I had hurt someone without even realizing it. I thought long and hard about how I might embrace this experience and whether or not it would be done so in some way amongst my blogging family and I decided that it would be good to, at the very least, let a certain someone know in a very big way that I am still so sorry and that I am grateful for her ability to move on.

The bottom line is that I spent the last couple of months totally self absorbed and lacking any sense of empathy or concern for another person who is truly very important to me. I was allowing myself to feed the frustration and resentment that I didn't even know was so totally out of control surrounding her absence and then upon her return I treated her like shit because it was apparently easier for me and I completely chose the wrong route. I've gone around in circles looking at how I could have possible spiraled so far down in to such a state of evil, but I know it was meant to be a lesson for me and also a building block for our relationship however painful it was to construct. I hated that feeling of total clueless-ness. I loathe that feeling of utter failure. I bemoan the anguish one stupid person like me caused a gentle soul like her to feel. How dumb. How sorry I am.

On the upside, I saw it. I know it, I've done it before and yet it was so much harder to take this time because I really cared about the effect I'd had. I heard her, I wasn't defending myself in the way I might have before. I hope she felt that way. I know I can get better, I know I can learn to stop myself sooner and I'm committed to getting there. I'll never be perfect, but I can improve. Being unapproachable and hard is the opposite of what I want in my character, being selfish and insensitive is unacceptable in my relationships. I'm so grateful to you dear friend for your forgiveness and I'm really hoping you can see my heart about this whole thing because it hurts, it really hurts.

Now, in honor of this drama, here's the very LAST THING I'm going to say about my stupid selfish birthday and then that's it. It was a great birthday and I totally milked it above and beyond appropriate so, I'm done now. This video was shot on the morning of my birthday and it begins with "Let's talk about..."

1 comment:

Colleen Sherman said...

1) I'm impressed with you openness on your blog. Sometimes I wish I shared more, but I'm always afraid about who is reading that I didn't know had my blog address. Thanks for being vulnerable.

2) That video is hilarious. I had to call my husband in to watch it too. Their faces are classic... because they know they are in trouble!!!! I have watched it 3 times now. So cute.