Wednesday, May 6, 2009

GIant Unsolvable Problem #1 The Universe

Last week I was sure a week couldn't go any worse than mine had, it seemed that the entire Universe was out to get me from morning until night and dear friends, the Universe usually wins in situations like those cuz, it's big 'n stuff. Don't you hate that?!?!
Well, Universe vs. Cam continued (forgetfulness, dropping things, breaking things, miscalculations, bad food/no food, computer crashing, phone malfunctions etc.) until sometime today when I found myself doing what I do best [within the confines of my workplace] and suddenly the extreme frustrations of the past week were forgotten for a moment. Funny how that works, something can be so hard and so painful until suddenly you find the right distraction and Ta! Da! Hakuna Matata
Anyway, the week and a half sucked, stuff happened, my body doesn't work, I had some cocktails and now here we are. Thankfully for that moment earlier today I'm not so totally ticked off at 9pm on a Wednesday night to attempt an articulation of some continued insecurities. You see, I've been arguing with myself(?) EVERY SINGLE DAY about why I can't be a "cooler" blogger, a more visible personality through a medium I enjoy so much as a bystander and yet seem to have such mixed emotions about when it comes to actually participating in. Add this terribly heavy burden (sorta) to everything else going wrong and I've been mentally POOPED! There are days when I'm happy enough with just sharing a snippet of life here, a pretty picture or something that made me laugh, but many days I feel like that's just not enough. Which leads me to...

Giant Unsolvable Problem #2
... I'm not a writer!

Ack! What the H.E.doubleL. does one do when one feels like keeping a blog of substance (more importantly, keeping up RELATIONSHIPS of substance) and yet lacks the ability to translate their stellar verbal communication skills to the electronic page? Am I simply asking too much of this medium? Am I the ONLY person over analyzing this? Is this something I have to admit as insecurity and just get over? Am I nuts? Wait, don't answer that last one. I don't know guys, I'm just really having a hard time with feeling disconnected and like there aren't any people left in the world who value a good face to face as much as I do. To truly know anyone is to know them in person, to share the daily highs and lows of life and I can't tell you how much of ME I feel is missing from blogging. Give me a couple weeks... I'll get over it I'm sure. Or don't, call me and come have tea, that would be better!


Raven said...

I struggle with this exact same thing!

By the way, so happy to have you on FB now as well.

sufferingsummer said...

I've on and off felt that way over the years but I think I've just come to not put any pressure on myself or my blog...but I also am not concerned about having any readers since my blog is pretty much a completely self indulgent little corner of my day...
I love the relationships I've built with my blogging friends but I feel like the ones that have really bloomed have done so because of the off blogging connection we've made in sharing gifts in the mail or chatting online in gmail...I'm just so with you on the face to face...
I don't think I'll ever stop admiring those witty creative bloggy girls out there that I stalk on a regular basis;) but I've given up trying be one. What matters to me is authenticity. I think some of the bloggers I follow do it with so much more flair than I could but that isn't always what keeps me reading...what keeps me reading is seeing a real person on the screen and it is pretty much always obvious when it isn't real.
Though you might now show all of you on your little internet corner I definitely see you when I come here so weather completely satisfying for you or not I do think you have an authentic piece of yourself going out there for others to connect with.
Relax, be yourself, we love you just like that.

sohobutterfly said...

Nah, we all feel those bloggy insecurities from time to time. After all, what if I'm not *gasp* interesting enough. *lol*.

I personally love your blog and I like our little blogging community. I would be sad if you gave it up!

See Sherm Blog said...

I feel the same way A LOT when it comes to blogging. I've never been a writer, so its strange that I've chosen to share my life through blogging/writing. I feel a lot of insecurities when it comes to people reading what I write. I wonder if I'm witty enough (or at all) and if my life really is interesting enough to keep readers. I'm so much more of a conversationalist, that sometimes my writing comes off that way. Rambling, horrible punctuation (seriously, I use "..." and quotes WAY TOO MUCH... buy I'm over worrying what people think of my lack of correct punctuation).

Hang in there. We all love to read what you write... and catching a glimpse into your life (and the life of your puppies). I often wish that I could be more candid and share MORE on my blog, because I have a lot I'd like to get off my chest. But unfortunately, with real-life-friends and my MIL reading, I have to chose my words wisely. Sometimes I wish I never gave my blog address to people I know in real life. The only way I could really blog what I want, would be to start all over and not tell my family/friends where I relocated. Too much work. So instead I remain "surfacy" on my blog.