Monday, March 16, 2009

The war within...

I had a terrible dream last night... my husband had joined the army and upon receiving orders of deployment to Afghanistan I demanded to go with him. There was no way I would stay back here without him and somehow I managed to convince the powers that be to send me along or else an entirely different war was going to take place- if you know what I mean. We lived in a strange base housing arrangement in the middle of absolute chaos and every day was more stressful than the one before. After drifting through every imaginable circumstance I woke up gasping for air because a building had exploded when I was running by and I barely made it out of the toxic cloud alive.

I hate dreaming dreams like that, but it does change the way you look at your life afterward and suddenly things look pretty rosy again. That dream robbed me of forty-five minutes that I would normally be awake and ON TIME for work, instead I was late and had to rush, rush, rush. Throughout a busy day my dream held on like a hearty bowl of oatmeal though and when I was once again at home watching my wonderful husband (who was very much IN THIS COUNTRY) playing with our wonderful fur babies (and only WAGING WAR with the POOPER-SCOOPER) I thought about the goodness that is my life. Perhaps that dream was a tap on the shoulder after a few days of feeling like something is missing from my little world. I'll admit to falling victim to the pitfalls of comparison and for a moment now and then thinking that we somehow aren't as "cool" as the next couple, but what a dangerous place for a heart to be. What a ridiculous idea that any of us are even really comparable?

I say this if for no other reason than to help someone else know that none of us are exempt from insecurity once in awhile, least of all me. There isn't a person on Earth who never questions if they're good enough or if what they do or think or say really matters. Blogging can be kind of tricky sometimes as we all tend to put our best foot/photo forward with the occasional "watch me freak out," followed by an adorable video of quirky commentary or "look at this terrible picture of me," even though it's really just a step down from a professional portrait. My favorite bloggers really know how to let it all hang out and despite being absolutely charming and often far too adorable, they have a very real side to them as well which I totally appreciate. I certainly hope that if I can stand to continue blogging for any length of time in the future that our little house will provide that kind of honesty too.

Here, I'll start things off...

I curse like a sailor, rarely shave my legs(I'm so fucking hairy), pee with the door open, demand perfection, speak for my husband too often and have thus far in my life developed a patience deficit. I don't clean enough because my priorities have changed and I'm more interested in being shown how to do something rather than teaching myself which takes more time. When being shown how to do something however, I want you to show me quickly and with very few words or else I'll start to tune you out and will decided to teach myself after all. How 'bout you?


Lauryn said...

First off, dreams like that SUCK. So intense and scary, but I really think there's a meaning behind most of them. Very cool that you're looking at it from that perspective.

Second, thank you for what you said in your last comment to me. It means a lot. And your husband is right :) We just need reminders every now and again.

And... you seriously hit the nail on the head about blogging insecurity. It's such a crazy, fun, scary, real thing to put yourself out there for the world to see. I think we've all done a good job finding some true friends that make those insecure moments a bit easier to bear!

sohobutterfly said...

Of course, nobody is perfect. And if they're tricking you into thinking they are on their blog... well, then they're LYING. We all have ups and downs. We're all human. And to err is human. :o)

PS: I won't go into all my various faults, but I wanted to say that I hear you on the shaving thing! So tedious!!